quotheraven's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To You Do you know what it's like to be me? Now you're gone and so is everything I loved about me. Do you know what it's like to admit that to someone? That they are the most powerful creation on earth to have this power over me. The power to make or break me with a simple eye glare. Do you know how sick I am of hearing you tell me how wonderful I am and how much better I deserve? Well if you AREN'T wonderful and I DON'T deserve you, then what does it mean to want you so badly anyway? I lost my spine when I fell for you. I lost all of the feisty attributes that I once had that kept me from falling too hard for a guy when I lost them for you. And now that you're gone, I don't know how to get them back. I look around when I go places and in a sea of so many, no one in that sea holds a candle to your charm. I can go to a crowded place and tell myself to notice someone else, but all I notice is how no one looks better than you. I sit at my desk and daydream that you are home alone thinking of me, missing me, longing for me like I long for you. I know, I'm only fooling myself. I find myself praying at night, begging God for the strength to get through the loss of you. But my prayers turn to pleas that God will bring you back to me. I realize, I'm so weak. I just can't wrap my mind around you not loving me anymore. I remember all the things you ever complained to me about to see if they'll make a massive pile of horrible so that it will be easier to accept. But the mountain of happiness and laughter and love we shared puts the horrible in a hole hidden by it's glorious shadow. I'm so tired of hearing people tell me, "At least you have your children, you're so young and beautiful, the world is your oyster" and every other empty compliment they lay on me to fill the awkward silence. Of course I have my children. They need me to clothe and feed and nurture them. But what happens to me when they grow up and go away? They won't be children forever. They won't need me forever. And let's face it, the love your children give you is no where near the same category as the love that a woman needs from a man. I'm 31 and in my prime! I'm too young and too sexy to be an old maid! And though I know these things, though I see their truth, I still can't bring myself to try for the affections of anyone else but you. And yes, you reciprocated those affections by having me be your "friend with benefits". But why am I good enough to have sex with but not good enough to be in a relationship with? You own my whole heart. You are the zenith of my heaven. You encompass all of the beauty and bliss that have only ever appeared in my dreams. You're my world, my life, my reason, my everything. And now you're gone. And there's nothing I can do about it. I am broken and empty. I am hollow and forgotten. You took my worth, and you disposed of it. You took everything I loved about myself, and threw it all away. And I'm left with nothing. And no one can make me feel better. And no hug or soft words of encouragement mean shit to me. I'm all gone. 8:17 p.m. - 2011-09-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And a year later... And again... If you look at the date on my last posting, it was almost a year ago that life had brought me happiness YET AGAIN, and it came in the form of a very young boy/man. Bryce was only 19 when we got together and I was 30. Never before had I been interested in someone so much younger than myself and it was always due to my fear of what I deemed to be logic: there's no way I'd have anything in common with someone THAT much younger than me! Why oh why didn't I listen to my inner voice? Because silly-hearted me, I for some idiotic reason remain perpetually optimistic that "true love" exists in this world for me. Pfft! Not. Even. Kind. Of. Don't get me wrong, I love this guy and was ABSOLUTELY head over heals for him! There was a time when I'd lay down my life for him. But over the course of the last 6 months or so, just the sight of him makes me angry and we argue NON STOP. We can't even agree on the same radio station or television show to watch. He is day and I am night. I love the good times we shared though they were few and far between. But the bad has completely taken over and I have broken. I have tried to make myself so much of what HE wanted me to be that I had almost lost myself in the process. My TRUE self. If a man is going to love a woman, then he has to love her as she is. How he met her. If there are things about that woman that he doesn't like or agree with then it won't work. You'd think that after ALL this time I'd know that by now. I must be borderline retarded. :-/ I gave up EVERYTHING I had for him! My own car, my own house, my own bank account. I allowed myself to start from square one so that he could feel "included" in everything and feel like the "man in charge". BIG MISTAKE! But you know what? I'm glad I did all these stupid things so that I know now to NEVER give up my independence again and to NEVER rely on a man to make me feel all the things that I SHOULD feel about myself which is LOVED. I don't love myself and should know that no one else will love me. Not until I learn to love myself, that is. So I'm going to start a NEW relationship and that is with my own life. I am going to give my kids a new and WAY more improved mom and that EXCLUDES dating. I have never been single for more than a few months since I was a teenage girl. I'm almost 32 and this bullshit has got to stop. I always wondered why some of my older female friends that are single NEVER try to persue a man. That's because they're smart! They'd rather be lonely than miserable with someone. Why did I never understand that before? *sigh* Oh whoa is me... Anyway, I will be back to update on this ever lasting turn of events. I love you for being here for me, Diaryland. You always listen even when no one else will. You're so theraputic. :) 9:36 a.m. - 2011-06-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6/16/10 Dearest Diary, I know that I don’t come around like I used to. Forgive me. Again! SOOOOOOOOO much keeps happening to me that even the imaginary Diary’s head would pop if I updated my life’s booshiz every single day! So I like to leave some time and space between entries to let the dust cloud settle a bit before I jack with shit again. I’m out of the title industry for now. I got laid off in February due to lack of business. EFF YOU RECESSION! Always jacking up my stuff! So I’m now at a fiber optic cabling company doing administrative sales support and BORE does it suck! It’s too far from home, my hours blow, the people here are beyond disgruntled, the insurance is laughable and to add insult to injury, it’s about to go under. It’s a mom and pop joint and they just have gotten in over their heads and can’t keep up with the demand, nor can they actually produce QUALITY GOODS! So whatever. I get laid off AGAIN and I’ll find the next temporary shit gig to produce a paycheck for me. I’m still living in a tiny town in a tiny house next to neighbors that stemmed straight out of the bowels of hell. My car idles so high that I bust a nut at every stoplight and the a/c doesn’t work which causes me to melt to and from work everyday as Texas summer temps are in the hundreds with 110% humidity! UGH! The kids are doing well. My 13 year old is now 5’10 and 190 pounds which next to my 5’2 stature makes him appear to be more like my brother than my son. But I like that because his friends think I’m his sister and THAT’S RAD! My 9 and 10 year old sons are walking raging hard-ons that imagine humping everything that stands still. WHAT’S WITH BOYS?!??! Are they just BORN horny? And my princess, my little tiny baby girl will be 5 tomorrow. *sigh* She’s going to kindergarten and it JUST SHOCKS ME that children grow as quickly as they do! And on the love front – ahhhhhh – the sweet, sweet love front. I think I have found The One! He’s AMAAAAAAAZING! He’s living with me now and life is picture perfect with him. All those pesky troubles with the finances and bills and car seem like a cake walk with him by my side. He’s gorgeous! Tall, blond, blue eyed, a smile for the gods, funny, talented, romantic, EVERYTHING that turns me on in a man is encompassed in this wonderful creature! However, the shocker of this love of my life is the following: he’s only 20 years old. Like JUST TURNED 20 last month. I NEVER EVER in my wildest dreams would have imagined that I could find such a real and pure love in a man 11 years younger than myself, but here it is and I AM TICKLED PINK! I COULD NOT be happier or ask for more! He loves me COMPLETLEY as well as loving my children and treating them like his own. And they love him right back. It’s like a dream too starry to last, yet here it is. I keep imagining that I’m going to wake up one morning and look over and not see him there. Yet every morning there he is, gazing at me and whispering “Good morning beautiful”. I love him oh so much! So there you have it. The gist of what’s been happening in my side of the universe these days. I will be back soon when this crazy/wonderful/unpredictable/insane life of mine takes yet ANOTHER sharp turn! Hhhhhhhh JUST BE STILL! 5:33 p.m. - 2010-06-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Search How is it that I'm searching for you constantly? 12:28 p.m. - 2010-01-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Read all about it! So we meet again. SO much has happened in my life recently which isn't saying much because my life seems to be on a perpetual roller coaster at ALL times! Josh, the love that I had known since childhood, has slithered back into the hole he crawled out of. Which is fine. I can't seem to take part in any lasting relationship and I'm aware of that and I've accepted that. Though I KICK myself for trying! So I'm single again after 15 years! I got pregnant at 16 by Ryan, then I left Ryan for William at 18, then left William for Jake at 22, then left Jake for Kelvin at 22 then left Kelvin for John at 27 then left John for Josh a year later. UGH! SO SO BUSY LEAVING ONE LOSER TO GO TO ANOTHER! So I deserve this love heartache bullshit because I keep setting myself up for it. But oh well, you live and learn. Or you keep fucking up like I do. HA! What I HAVE learned is that BEING SINGLE COMPLETELY KICKS MAJOR ASS! I get the whole bed to myself! I get to watch what I want on tv! I get to listen to the music that I like and BLAST it! IT JUST ROCKS having only myself to worry about. However, a casual sex partner would hit the spot...LITERALLY! I'm not obsessing over finding someone to fill that void (insert vagina joke here) but if a good one comes along that knows what I'm interested in and that I DO NOT want to love him, but I DO want to LUST him, then that'll be ALL GRAVY! :P Aside from the relationship (or lack thereof) front, I am at a groovy new title company and ABSOLUTELY LOVE my job responsibilities, the people I work with, the city it's located in, EVERYTHING! So that and the fact that I have healthy beautiful children are enough for me in the "love" department. But GEEZUS! As soon as you change your relationship status to single on Myspace and Facebook, the sniffing men just SCURRY out of the wood works and all wanna get a piece! Maybe in another time and place when it was a bit safer, I'd be that commune pussy they so eagerly seek out. But because you can't even smile at someone these days without catching the AIDS, I will take my sweet and CAREFUL time... So that's the latest scoop. Feel free to visit me at my PERMANENT home located at http://www.facebook.com/#/fireblyss?ref=profile. Deuces! 11:17 a.m. - 2009-07-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - With every breath of my body, mind and my soul I fall deeper The sound of his voice envelopes me and I lose all control of myself. To be To be blessed with even a single kiss from him consumes my every sense and for How is it he does this to me? I hang on to his every word, to his every 4:15 a.m. - 2010-09-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||